Time Alone

February 1, 2011 at 2:29 AM

When I said I was glad the injection for my cat bite didn’t hurt, well I should have waited for a few hours.  Fuck me. Over 24 hours later, I can’t lift my right arm. It currently fucking hurt that nothing can touch it. I screamed a few times last night when I was lying down with my right arm pressed, and earlier tonight I banged my arm and fuck me, it hurt like hell. This is fucking annoying because I feel crippled. I had to ask my mom to help me cook my food because I can’t lift my arm, nor can have any pressure on my wound on my right palm even though it’s not painful to the touch.. but somehow it is when something else put pressure on it.

Well, my ‘alone’ time today was ok. Took time to kinda slowly recover from my depression. I’m feeling a tiny bit better today, so I think I’m gonna take some time alone for a few days today. It feels good to just ignore everything else and just do something that distracts you – in my case, I watched ‘The Golden Girls’ series. My mom did annoy me but didn’t give a damn today. I’m just emotionally tired from everything, I failed to give a damn. I’m sorry if I can’t give a damn about anyone at the moment… I’m just fucking tired.

I also had a weird dream last night. I was in Times Square Malaysia, but different look than the real Times Square, and I was with my friends (the group I was supposed to go out with last night) and we went to the very top floor which was a skating rink. As I was putting on my skates, we felt the ‘tower’ was swaying, and we could see the building outside moving from the window. Now this is the fucked up part because it felt so real, and I felt like that’s it… that was the end of our lives. The ‘tower’ and the whole mall is gonna collapse and I was experiencing a similar ‘seconds before death’ feeling which I assume what victims of similar situation e.g. twin towers incident felt. You know.. knowing you are confirmed to die in the next minute. It was HORRIFYING. Surprisingly…somehow… the swaying stopped. Everybody was rushing down the elevator and it stopped at 4th floor I think (as you know, 4 for chinese/japanese is death) and it just won’t go down. I got out, ran down the emergency stairs, and made out just in time to witness the whole building collapse. I felt like a celebrity after that cuz everybody was gonna interview me as the survivor.

Very fucked up. I don’t know why I had that dream. It’s probably related to my depression but still – fuck. It was scary shit okay… to feel and know that ‘seconds before your death’ experience. I feel so depressed now thinking that might be how victims of such disaster felt…