So Much Pain…

April 28, 2014 at 12:42 PM

girl_sleepingI don’t even know how to begin. I’ve been bawling my eyes out since morning. My eyes are so swollen, I look deformed right now.

About two weeks ago, I lost Keypoh, my cat. The next day after that I unexpectedly lost my kitten as well who had been sick for 2 weeks. It was such a painful tragedy because I didn’t know Keypoh was sick, and I knew my kitten was sick and I’ve been nurturing with much TLC for 2 weeks, hoping that he would be better but the next day he just.. died.

This morning, I’ve been searching for my cat Kemek. She didn’t come home last night, which was weird but not too weird. The weird thing is that even after I called her, she didn’t come home. This morning while I was bending down outside playing with my outdoor cat, I saw something underneath my car which looked like a cat sleeping. I called out to it… but had no response. When I realized it was Kemek, I called her again but she didn’t move. She looked weird. She was skinny but her tummy looked bloated..so I poked her with my flip flop and..

cold. Hard. Dead.

I swear my heart stopped for a second. That moment I knew she was gone. I don’t know what was wrong. She was fine yesterday. I even joked with her. She was on my coffee table and I called her name. She was so happy that she tried to be all cute and suddenly fell off the table. I laughed so hard (as a joke). Little did I know, it was my last joke with her.

It pains me to no end to be in this situation. She’s been so close to me and my mom. Now she’s gone… I’m lost for words. What happened to her?? No, I don’t want to know. Ignorance is bliss they say. I’m better off not knowing.. knowing that she’s not around anymore is enough punishment and pain to me. The pain is excruciating.

I’ve been physically, mentally and emotionally in pain for the past … few months. 3 days ago my mom fell in the bathroom. God knows how I was feeling. I was shaking, my heart nearly stopped… Took her to the ER at 5 am, and thank God nothing serious except pain and bruises. I would die if anything happens to her.. but little did I know God would take Kemek 3 days later.

I’m drained. I’m tired. I have absolutely no will to go on. I feel like giving up on life. If it’s just one thing or two, I can handle it but nobody except my mom knows the depth of the problems I’ve been having. The shitty thing is that I’m all alone. I’m going through this alone.

I already miss you, Kemek. Why did you leave me? WHY??

Goodbye Kemek. I’ve given you all the love that I could give. Looks like my time with you is up. Oh God I can’t continue writing anymore… this will severely affect my life and my work for this week or so..

PS: Cats give me so much joy and happiness yet at the same time they give me so much pain.

 

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