I’ve been wasting 3 months of my life here, and probably will for another 1 month+ or so. I realized that my body becomes very tired because I haven’t been doing much. I feel life here is very slow, dull, lame and so on. Day by day I’m starting to feel very unhappy. I used to be happy here, I used to have a life. I had friends, I had bf, I had relatives… now it’s just very very very empty. Everyone has moved on to a new life, or to the other side while I’m still stuck here in this hell-hole. I feel like I want to do something, make new friends, but WHAT is there to do here?! I only have my one and only friend here and we could go out on the weekends only, that’s if she’s not busy or I’m not sick. But everytime we go out, we’d go to the same lame place.

I miss PJ. I miss my life there. I miss my friends. However my bestie is leaving me soon, and there I would be alone again. I have other friends, but she somehow turned to be the closest to me. We have a lot of things in common. We have the same interest & passion for films, we have the same interest for things, we have the same interest in food.. she’s also my sakae sushi buddy. Haha. What’s most important is our mindset. You see, it’s very hard for me to really click with people because I’m very Americanized so it’s hard for people to really understand me and my interest and the way I think. But she’s just like me, and that’s why we seem to click so well because we understand each other. I remember she was the only one who understood and loved Rocky Horror Picture Show,  found Ms Swan funny (that’s how we met haha) and would find David Lehre, Craig & Allen cute haha.  With her I don’t have to fake myself and pretend, because with others I have to sorta like ‘personalize’ myself for them.. like with malays I have to talk and act differently, and so on with chinese & indians depending on their personality. Now I have no one to go to a party or events with :( No one to spend a whole day long at the mall wandering aimlessly. I’ll miss you bitch and don’t you dare forget about me T____________T

I don’t have a lot of close friends that could understand me well. Hence why in my hometown, I only have one friend whom would still stick with me because we have a lot of things in common. She, too, mentioned quite a while ago about transferring to another state. Hence why my second ex and third ex could stick with me for a long time because one of them is Australian/Chinese and the other one is Canadian…my first malay ex stuck with me for 2 fucking days wtf… but unfortunately once you break up, they won’t give a shit anymore even if they mentioned that they would continue being best friends forever. They’re just a bunch of lies. They won’t give a shit if you die. They’ve stopped talking to you. They would only care if you’re their gf. And they aren’t the only ones.. I’ve had a couple more online years ago, 1 short fling, and 2 that was unexpected.. but they’re all just the same. That’s why relationship could destroy a person. It hurts too much.

Nobody knows how much it hurts to come back here in my hometown and not to have that certain someone with me anymore. It really fucking hurts. But I guess I’m used to this now.. I guess I’m meant to be alone for now… Whatever plans God have for me, I hope it’ll be a good one in the future.

However, I’m no longer completely broke :) My paypal money from all the online works is finally in my account since yesterday so I can re-activate my phone line, and spend some for Eid celebration. Mom also received her pension today. I’ve also received my study loan balance which was in my account for 1 second before it automatically went to my college’s account. T___T It was a bitch trying to call college yesterday to confirm if they still have my refund form but when I finally talked to the person, she mentioned it might take 2-3 weeks more to refund. I actually don’t mind, because I want to use that money in December, to buy my own Christmas gift. I’m thinking of getting myself a Mac or Macbook Pro, but I don’t know if I should spend RM4,000 at once on a mac :\ But I need a mac to do editing… at least I could freelance. But… RM4,000 could be spent on a lot of things… T__T

I feel like playing Second Life again.. just so that I don’t feel lonely but gosh, I’ve lost everything that I had before so it also hurts to go back in and not have everything that I used to have. But I still remember that SL was the only thing that saved me from insanity after my first extreme breakup and loneliness in Ipoh back in 2007. Maybe I should give it a chance again and start fresh. I just love the fact that I can be whoever I can’t be in real life. I can wear sexy costumes because I can modify myself to look sexy unlike my real self, haha. Maybe after I’m done with my friggin project I’ll try loggin in again and see how it goes.

Wow this post turned out to be longer than I intended it to be.