Everytime I write a blog, I’ll try to find something cheerful and fun to talk about. It’s not fun to be classified as an ‘attention seeker/whore’ if you write too much emo posts. Some people may want to seek attention. It’s true I do too, sometimes. But do you realize why? It’s because we want help. We want our problems to be known. Some do it for sympathy. I don’t want sympathy. I write why I’m depressed because I want someone to help me get through it. Not to just get sympathy. Or be mocked.

If you haven’t been in major/serious depression, don’t talk to me as if you have such a great life that you feel sorry for me. It make matters worse. Right now, I feel so alone. I have absolutely no one to make me happy anymore. I’ve attempted suicide years ago. I’ve cut myself to feel good with all the pain I inflicted on myself but I don’t want to go back there. I don’t want to do that anymore. I don’t want more scars to remind me of how useless my life was. How I’ve wasted my life. How pathetic and stupid I was. How I was a nobody.

But sometimes, I have to question myself. Why? Why is it that I can help people, I can dedicate so much of my time caring and solving other people’s problems, listening to their problems, cheering them up and yet there’s absolutely no one that knows behind my smile, my laughter, my cheerful personality that I’m slowly killing myself under all the pretense? There’s no one that can do to me what I’m doing to people – to get better. I just wish I can find someone that understands me, that can be there for me through thick or thin.. I can really tolerate people no matter how shit they treat me, but why can’t people do that to me? Tolerate me? Why do I get blamed at for mistakes I can’t avoid, but I could never blame or be angry at people for mistakes they can avoid?

I guess I’ll be alone. Forever.